The end of the year

As we come to the end of the year.
I want to jump, kick and scream my way into the new year.
A new beginning. A new outlook. Continuing with my Masters. Attempting to learn new computer software and crossing my fingers that I can make a go of the photography business I've dreamed of starting for several years.

Looking back on 2011
I'd actually really rather not.
I had such great hopes. I thought my mom would get better. By January she was already in the hospital for a week. By February 2nd she had passed away. That is one night that will live with me forever. In my dreams at night my mom visits me. She is happy and content. And I know that my dad and I did the right thing when they asked us if we wanted her to wake from surgery and after a short discussion we opted out. We both knew deep in our hearts, we looked at each other and knew, that if she woke up from surgery she would have literally gotten out of bed and kicked out asses.
The night before she passed. For some reason I went over and visited my parents. Really out of the norm since my parents at that point were not taking care of Ava anymore and it was a work night. When my dad left the room, my mom leaned close to me and told me when I left that she was going to take her life. I knew at that very moment, it was serious. She asked for an ambulance ride to the hospital. My dad was skeptical but I called and arranged for an ambulance to come and pick up my mom. She went down the street with flying colors. Lights on, an ambulance and fire trucks came to her rescue. I'm actually very glad they did. Because although my mom only weighed slightly over 100 lbs my dad and I could not lift her into the car to get her to the hospital.
I talked with her briefly on the phone the next day. But I am thankful I said everything I really wanted and needed to say in the weeks ahead of her untimely death.
She was my very best friend in the whole world. When she left us behind, there are no words to explain how I felt. My mom lived 2-3 miles down the street. For the first year of Ava's life she she and my dad took care of Ava, I saw them at least 5 days a week. Even when she was watching Ava, I called my mom at least 5 times a day, just to talk, give updates on stupid stuff at work and ask how Ava was doing.
The day my mom died. My heart broke into a million pieces. I don't think I have ever been so sad in my entire life. Although I didn't cry when we scattered her ashes in a field just west of Lake Tahoe, or when the school that she worked at and retired from held a beautiful ceremony that captured everything my mom was about, I still did not shed a tear.
It finally hit me at Christmas. I threw a fit, one fit for Ava's age then cried for several hours.

While I have only talked about the passing of my mom.
My wonderful Grandmother 3 weeks later, exactly to the day, passed away after my mom.
My dad, Phil, Ava and I were fortunate enough to make a trip down there just days before she passed.
My Grandmother was the glue that held our family so tightly together.
With her loss, I'm scared that the connection we have will fizzle and be lost.
Although in the past several years I have not made as much of an effort as I could have to go and visit our family in southern Cali, it seems more important now than ever to hold that bond.
My grandmother did a great job, holding family gatherings at her house. Now that the house is gone. The family is further away, it seems hard to figure out how to get everyone together with all of our busy schedules. Maybe I'm just reading into it too much.

Its just hard leaving 2011 knowing that EVERYTHING that I once knew, is so very different.

Not to have a total pity party but the same day that we lost our beloved Grandmother, we made the decision to put our family cat to sleep.

In May Phil lost one of his really good friends was shot while walking downtown Reno.

And in November my best friend lost her father in law.

So many people, not just myself have lost ones that they love and have had a year harder than even I could imagine.

In addition to everything else in 2011 Phil was in the hospital twice for renal failure. He had nose surgery and finally is undergoing long term treatment for all his medical issues.

We are done with 2011.
While we have loved watching Ava grow, become independent, caring, loving and of course two. She has been the light that has lit the pathway to the end of 2011.
Without her, I am not sure how we would have made it through this year. Ava is a blessing. We love her with every ounce of our beings. She is the most amazing little girl we have ever known. She is smart. She has had her troubles this year, but she is still here. She is the love of our lives.

As I look back on 2011. It was a dark and gloomy year. While I was able to quit my job and return to school to get my masters. I get more time at home with my husband and daughter. I do count the blessings that we have had.
They have found solutions for Phil. Even when his doctors thought his treatment would fail, his last appointment he was given the thumbs up, he is one of the only patients to go through this treatment program and actually have pretty good success with it.
We have been able to keep our house, which is actually been a miracle after Phil got sick.
We have family that loves us. We love each other. We have amazing friends, which unfortunately we have not seen enough of this year. This year I hope we can get back on track and get on with our lives, get back out in the world and visit with people and make more trips and reconnect with our friends that we once were so close with. We've sort of just lived a shell of a life for the past year. Not really living, just going along the best that we can and trying to figure out who we are and what we are doing after so much has changed in our lives.

I have a really really good feeling about 2012. Not sure what. But something good is going to happen.
I wish everyone health and happiness in 2012.